Ancient Babylonians believed that dreams were prophecies of what was to come. If a woman dreamed of a shipwreck and then had a miscarriage, the information would be recorded. When another pregnant woman would dream of a shipwreck, it was prophesized that she, too, would suffer a miscarriage. And so it would go. Dreams came to foretell wars, marriages, betrayals, and so forth.
For me, I can say that each time my heart has decided to give in, independently of my head, I might add, I have dreamt first of a kiss. Some of these women I've ended up dating, some were failed pursuits, a couple never left the realm of my fantasies. They are all, though, incredible memories in my life, droplets of lifesaving water in hot dry heat.
I can't say that I believe in the prophecy angle, however. I think, perhaps, it is simply indicative of the moment I give in and let go, if only a little. When I first started dating, I had no idea what I was doing , or what I felt, or why. But I soon learned the impact of a first kiss.
I kissed my first girlfriend the first time in somebody who's name I don't remember's bathroom. She was on the sink and the only light was from a strand of blue Christmas lights. It was late fall, I think. I don't know what music I was listening to that night. When I rummage through my music now, I could say it felt like 'Karma Police' by Radiohead. I know this can't be true, because that song was not released until 1997. Just shows you how powerful the mind really is, that it can alter memories, even erase or add them, depending on your general outlook towards life. Anyways, I had no clue what I was doing, yet I felt like I had done it before. She is still as good a friend as I have, but even she doesn't remember the moment. I remember feeling as if I had just done something no one had ever done before (there would be other times I've felt like a Love God, or a pioneer. This is what it does to you).
I kissed my second girlfriend for the first time in my car as I was dropping her off. She had just spent the evening with my friends and I in our apartment on the northwest side of Chicago, Korea Town they called it. She said she wanted to cuddle. So I did. There's nothing like the feel of someone's breath on your shoulder to put you in a kissing mood. So we sat there in my car for what seemed like ages, awkwardly, before the time came to bid a fair night and peaceful dreams. I leaned forward and........ kissed her on the cheek. Underwhelming, I know. She had the most disappointed look on her face I had ever seen. So back I went. Wow!!!! When my lips touched hers I felt her face tremble in my hands. I knew that she was holding her breath. I can't say that I've ever had a more powerful kiss. I ended up engaged to her for a time, which was a mistake. And it probably all came from that one kiss.
The point is, I've learned how prophetic a first kiss can be. You know exactly who's giving in and how much. There are only four options: 1) he gives in. 2) she gives in. 3) you both give in. 4) neither of you give in. I've never been particularly fond of kisses from option #4. There have been some, but it always feels like I may as well be kissing a tomato for all the magic I am getting out of it. It's much more fun to sense all the emotion behind it: the nervous stiffness of her body, the searching look in her eyes, the goosebumps on her skin. Or mine. Of course, I don't determine the course of my relationships by the quality of our first kiss, but it perhaps explains why I'm always having kissing dreams.
There are two consistent qualities to all of these dreams. 1: They always happen before anything real happens. 2: It's always me doing the giving in. I don't remember most of the dreams, usually just the fact that there was a kiss and what it felt like. Another amazing quality of the mind. It creates, in advance, a reality more precise than you ever consciously thought about. I often dreamt about flying as a kid. I would be soaring over the neighborhood, having a bird's eye view of everyone's roofs and the lake below. I guarantee you, I have never once studied anyone's roofs, nor have I flown in a helicopter above my neighborhood. But there everything was, as detailed as could be. And so it goes with my kissing dreams. One that I remember found the two of us kissing right from the very start. We were scientists in a modern looking building somewhere deep in the woods........ and far north. I suggested hanging out more often, and then without warning I awkwardly went in, just catching a glimpse of acceptance in her eye as I drew close. I never kissed her in real life.
Now I must tell you the overriding theme of my love life: if you are worthy of my love, you deserve better than me. I say this certainly not out of self-pity or lack of confidence. It's just that I am more aware of my shortcomings than anyone else. I always think that there must be someone out there that could offer more than me. With a shrug and a smile, I try to warn any potential loves that they are in for a bloody hell of a mess if they are thinking of giving in to me.
The other day, I was listening to music I haven't heard in many years, courtesy of a friend who lovingly found all the music I was thinking about. I realized that back then I was always going for the loud chicks, the punk rock girls who were bold and talked to me first. Not that there's anything wrong with punk rock chicks. I was an angry kid. I didn't want to talk to you if you looked "normal." Shallow, I know. But I think it was just because I didn't know how to say what was on my mind. And I certainly didn't know how to talk to the shy, quiet girls. I wish I knew then what I know now. Oddly, I was quiet and shy as well. So I knew they had something to say. I just didn't have the ability to get it out, or break down their walls. Kind of keeps one stuck in a pattern.
One fortunate consequence of having so few long-term relationships is that I have had the freedom to think about who I want, when I want, how I want. There is very little that has ever kept me from getting close to a girl. And in the end, I have been blessed to know many of the finest women in the world. I have always chosen the impossible, the improbable, the unlikely. The odds are always stacked against success. Even when I know my love will 99% end in failure, when I know that I couldn't or shouldn't give in, I do. I always seem to be at a diametrically opposed fork in the road. To the left is warm, dry road, clear and straight. To the right there is a blizzard, the roads are drifting with snow and full of black ice, the wind is batting my car side to side. I always choose the latter (sigh).
Now it would be unfair to put a number on the women I have loved. I can't say I've loved 2 or 4 or twenty women. Each is it's own story, almost like separate lifetimes. I loved them all for different reasons, for different lengths of time. The things I notice now are completely different from what I noticed before. Maybe I'll go into details on this at a later time.
For all the passion, though, I am always wondering what comes after that first kiss in the dream. I see my friends that I've grown up with having wives and children. I cannot even begin to comprehend what that means though I long for the knowledge.
I have learned, though, that I can now love freely without it being returned. I am good friends with nearly all of the women I ever really cared about. They don't think I'm an asshole (deranged, perhaps). But love , to be trite, really does come from within. For anyone who's wondering, if you care about a girl just because you think she'll eventually take her clothes off for you, you don't really care at all. I think I've come to a point where I don't really care what I get back. I give the same respect to everyone, whether it's a bum in a park or a CEO guest in my hotel. And the women I care about receive the same treatment no matter the circumstance. It's cool to be happy for someone you're attracted to even if you have no chance. It's enough, sometimes, to put a smile on her face. It's enough, sometimes, to see something in her that not everyone does. It's enough, sometimes, to be happy she found the one she wants, even if it's not you, even if you crave her touch. For me it's all just part of the journey. And with that I'll leave you with this for now:
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