Silence is Sexy

I have read, unfailingly, every Forgotten Realms novel penned by R.A. Salvatore. This love affair with Drizzt and company has spanned more than twenty years. I am hoping these novels will continue to come out every October until my life is over. It would be a sad day indeed if the series were retired (are you listening Mr. Salvatore?)

So, our hero Drizzt has a panther feline companion named Guenhwyvar. Guen for short, resides in, shall we say, a dimension, that lies separate of the earthly plane (where humans and the rest of us mortal creatures live). Guen is eternal. When she is home on this "astral plane," she does everything that comes natural to a predatory cat: hunt, and sleep. She is the essence of the panther. Each day (or cycle, for what are days in a realm with no sun) Guenhwyvar awakes from slumber and spends most of the day hunting her natural adversary, the essence of the elk. Always in the end, the panther catches the elk. After much needed rest, the same thing happens the next day, and the next, eternally.

So no, I am not writing a book report, nor am I expounding a treatise on the food chain. If you must know, after much thought, this is what catches my fancy in the chaotic and ultimately surprising realm of romance.

This is an inordinately difficult topic to write about. I think all of us want many of the same things from love; we just have widely varying prisms through which we view it. For me, I started with a question: Why is it that I always choose that treacherous, icy, potholed speed trap? Why only the impossible? I searched my soul and found that...... I'm fucking clueless!

Well, I suppose it has something to do with the chase. I have never really been magnetized by women who openly adore me. This, I admit, is a terrible flaw. Especially so, because I, at times, am openly adoring. I wonder now if I project the end onto the beginning. As I have said, I imagine romance in a world in which just a bit player in a big picture. Ultimately, I want someone who is comfortable enough, safe enough with me, that she sometimes forgets that I'm there. I am so much of her that I have become something she just can't do without. In the silence (metaphorically speaking) we are there together, each a separate entity. Oh, maybe I'm trying to be too poetic. I want for her, when she is weary and wants to rest her head at night and take off her makeup, and retreat from the world for the night, to want to rest it on my chest. Home. I want to be home. Yes, that's it. When she doesn't have anyone else to say it to, I want her to say it to me. And, of course, when she wants someone who knows where to touch her and how to touch her, I want it to be me!

Giving in without giving in is a good way to put it. I don't need to be praised all the time, or complimented. I don't want to be the coolest guy, or the suavest guy, or the best looking guy, or the richest guy to earn her adoration. These things have no meaning for me. The only way you know you're really there is simply to be there! You know by the way she touches you, even though you are on the other side of the room. You know by the way she shifts her eyes to catch a glimpse of you from time to time. By the way, it is nearly impossible to make this sound unique and unsentimental. Not impossible, but I will keep that in reserve for now. It's all about body language.

So as you can see, I really have no idea. A lot of bullocks, if you ask me. It's like I have a huge canvas in front of me to paint, but all I've done is the background. Haha, the eternal question!!

I think that when I find someone to chase (which is rare.... it seems like only once every couple of years does someone really capture my imagination), I am more apt to be curious if she does not give in. I guess I am hoping that this is what it's going to be at the end, that she'll give in, and not feel the need to show it all the time. I am the hunter (smile). I want somebody I can chase to the ends of the earth, without reservation, in my own weird, goofy, clever, semi-sentimental way. And I want to do it every day. If then, at the end of the day, she is next to me, sleeping contentedly, her chest rising and falling in steady, peaceful rhythms, I'll know I've done my job. If she is giving in to me first thing in the morning, where is the fun?! I want an answer to the question, how long must I chase, how far must I go, before she gives up on letting me go? Haha messed up I know. But I told you I was actually pretty simple....... chase, catch, chase, catch......

As for what I see now that enraptures me so, I can only say that I was a fool when I was young. I sought that which was different than me. I wanted to see life in a different way. Now, I guess, I see her strength, her conviction. I see her values manifest in who she is. It is ever-evolving. The wonder of it all is that you don't really know what you want until it smacks you silly! Hmmmmm........ maybe I do know.......