St. Elmo's Fire

A friend came to me the other day with a romance dilemma. I won't say what it is but I will address it below. I have no idea, by the way, why people come to me for advice on these matters. I'm alone, so how the hell should I know? Come to think of it, most of the people I seek advice from are single as well. Hmmmmmm. Makes you wonder. Shouldn't we all be approaching our friends who have managed to have successful relationships for longer than say, a year? Of course, most of them (not all) just shake their heads and say, "Don't do it! Stay Single."

So here are my humble Rules of Attraction. Reader beware.

The Golden Rule is, don't be a douche bag when you are trying to chase somebody. Attached directly to that rule is, if she's committed to someone else, don't do it! No matter how much you want her, never interfere with somebody else's relationship. Don't drop hints, like, "it's too bad you're not single. I would definitely ask you out." Bonehead move. First of all, there is nothing you can say or do to change her mind. If you do, and you do indeed steal her away, it will come back to haunt you. Bad karma. Trust me, I've tried. If you are attracted to someone, you cannot be her confidant 100%, not when she's with someone else. If she's happy, leave her be. Otherwise you are just being a selfish prick. if she's not happy, suck it and don't start offering advice. It's biased. Even if you think the guy is an idiot, best to not say anything at all. If you are forced into offering an opinion, say something generic and supportive. "He asked you if he could exchange the Christmas present you gave him? Well, at least he's being honest." "He doesn't believe in foreplay? Well, he probably just needs to open up a little." Even if he cheats, keep it cool. "Oh, really? Well, everyone makes mistakes." The only time you should be bold is if he hits or abuses her. In this case, if she's asking for your advice, she's too damn stupid to realize that she shouldn't need any advice to know what to do. It's your responsibility to tell her that she's a fool if she stays with the guy.

If she is with somebody else, consider her a friend of the family, suck it up, and keep it inside until either she is single, or you've found somebody else. Unfortunately, I've never seen it happen like in the movies. I've never seen anything like Roberto Benigni riding into his love's party to announce her engagement on a horse and stealing her away and living happily ever after, like in Life is Beautiful. You can't say never I suppose, and I always reserve the right to change my mind, but no, probably not.

Now, ladies, you know now that you can't ask for honest advice about guys from men who are attracted to you. While he's telling you, "oh, he sounds great!" he's having pleasant thoughts about seeing your boyfriend as an extra in a Friday the 13th movie.

I have learned to at least consider who's going to get hurt if I chase somebody. No one ever does, it seems, but if you don't think about it, you are just being a selfish asshole. If only I can get hurt, or even if she can get hurt, then what the hell. Go for it. But if anyone else could be involved in any way, use extreme caution. This potential group includes lovers, children, family, friends. How are your actions going to affect the people around the both of you? It sounds unromantic, and love is never easy, but if you are going to take on outside concerns, you ought to be at least aware of them so you can prepare yourself for it. It doesn't do any good to say six months in, "oh, you know, I don't think I can get too involved with a woman with kids." WTF? You wait to tell her this until after you've seen her naked? Shame. Or, two years in, you say, "I can't deal with your mother. She hates me." And you didn't know this already? Or is it that you just didn't think about it?

So, by now we've come to the point where you've decided that "damn right! I want her that bad that I'm willing to go through hell and back for her." It's not a given, either. Even though my heart is stricken only sporadically, there are those I've actually not pursued for the reasons listed above. That's why good men always lament that you have to be an asshole to get what you want. I don't think that's true, but then, I'm single. And there is no sense worrying about how she might respond once you've decided to let it out.

For me, it usually starts with a sense that I want to tell her how amazing she is. The worst that can happen is she tells you to fuck off and never talk to her again. But if you're respectful and genuine, that is unlikely to happen. She could say, "I think we should just be friends." She could say, hmmmmm......... I never thought about that before...... maybe." Or she could say, I've been waiting forever for you to ask me out!" Or she could say nothing. Whichever the case, it's all good. the funniest one is when she tells you she had no idea you were interested. I'm incredulous every time. You mean you didn't notice that I turned ashen for lack of breath whenever you enter a room? You didn't notice the over-eager smile and stupid jokes because I am soooooo nervous I have no clue what to do? You didn't think it odd at all when I told you any man would be blessed to attract your love?" Oh, boy.

There is no rhyme or reason to attraction. When you see it, it's there. It's like St. Elmo's Fire has enveloped her. She stands out as if no one else exists. St. Elmo's fire, by the way, is an electrical phenomenon, often experience by mariners, in which a bluish glow (plasma) is easily visible in low light conditions. It becomes focused on objects and spires that rise out of the sea, hence, sailors have often seen an entire ship lit up with this fiery glow! Magic, it seems! Her voice is more melodious. Her skin is more luminescent. Her stride is more graceful. Her laugh is like a warm blanket on the coldest of nights.

So, when it happens, I just ride it out. I obviously haven't figured out everything yet, nor will I ever have any full proof way of winning her heart. Sometimes, despite my chase and catch instinct, I can still think too much about tomorrow, probably because I am so philosophical about things. I always struggle between what I want and what is best for her, though I know rationally that is her decision alone. I think, in a relationship, we are constantly straddling a fine point among lover, partner, and caretaker. And don't underestimate the caretaker part. We are taught to be independent and to rely on ourselves for our happiness, which, believe me, is absolutely true. But, the most precious commodities we possess as humans are our minds and our hearts (our capacity for love and empathy). If you love someone the right way, you should be making those things full....... full of knowledge, full of love. How else can we continue to strive for our fullest potential as individuals? I don't ever want to hold anyone back from anything they want to achieve in life. I have never asked anyone to sacrifice anything for my sake. But again, I'm single. :) But, ladies, stay away from anyone who sucks the life out of you. I have known too many people like this, and I avoid them like the plague.

My wish for you tonight: to have our hearts and minds filled......