What a strange thing. I was sitting in the lobby tonight chatting with a few thirty- and forty-something guests. Nice conversation. Two were from Oregon and one from Rhode Island. Both lovely states. The Oregonians were talking about the vast openness of the forests and the mountains and the Pacific Ocean just a short while away. The Rhode Islander waxed on about how all the little harbor towns kind of melt into each other. And here I am trying to defend Detroit. Ummmm. The State of Michigan? Of course. Great. Most coastline in the U.S. Fishing. Hunting. Canada. October, amazing October, the greatest month in the history of man, with September being a close second. But Detroit? Sorry, but I gave up on redemption years ago and refuse to look at the big picture anymore. There is my little world of places and people and things to do here, but I'm not going to sit here and talk about it being a destination. The best thing I can say about Detroit at the moment is that it has a nice airport, which makes it easy to go away.

But anyway, that was a bit of a tangent. What I found most interesting is that I am now apparently at an age where people just assume I have children. One guy asked me when spring break is here. I was thinking, well it depends on what college you go to. But, somehow I caught myself and figured out that he must have been asking about K-12. Wow. I had no fucking clue. How very strange and awkward. "Oh, I don't have any kids."

"So, you're waiting?"

"Oh, no, I'm not married."

"Oh." A moment of awkward silence ensues as whomever tries to wrap their mind around that fact. I wait for a moment for all the questions or assumptions that must be on their mind, but if nothing spews forth from their mouths, I move on to another topic. I feel both annoyed and small in those moments.

On to something else then. I want to be honest now. I keep thinking I've got it figured out. The key to success, that is, or happiness, or satisfaction, or whatever ridiculous self-help word you want to throw around. Each time, of course, I discover that I've only peeled back another layer, and I haven't really put to bed the last vestiges of bad habits that I allowed to hobble my mind for so many years.

I can see clearly what I want now. I can taste it, I can smell it, it's right in front of me. For many years I didn't even think I really wanted anything. And I am quite positive in my outlook towards things now. I no longer get overly depressed for very long.

But, I feel like I am in the Matrix. I swallowed the fucking red pill because I knew there was more to life. I thought that would be enough. But then, a short while later, I was presented with the same choice again! Another red pill! And now, I've been presented with it yet again. I know that it's not enough to know what I want and to be positive that I'm going to get it. I have to learn to take it and work towards it. And I just can't take it blindly. I have to plan for it. Things are more clear and more simple by the day. And it's coming. The day is coming when there will be no more blue or red pills. The day is coming when love will lie in me like it's always been there. No more slavery. No more bonds.

There will be no more searching in vain for a home in anyone's heart but my own. There will be no more should haves or could haves. Because they are stupid words. They don't really mean anything. There is what is, and what isn't.

This is only half the story, I know. I wish I could tell you more but this isn't the appropriate forum. Perhaps one day I will be able to fictionalize it and put it in a book.